#14 Sunday hours

I live inside books. always did. and movies and songs. only for a couple of hours a week I get out to the real world. When I do I am a full person, I talk, I fight, I laugh, I bring my own world to its knees, shouting ideas to every corner, feel like I could take the world if I wanted. but the truth is that I don't want to.

I could spend months smoking in my balcony like a picture of myself. I am a picture of myself most of my hours.

Maybe that's what people that are alone are. Pictures of themselves. I dress up to smoke a cigarette in the balcony. I shave my legs to stay at home. The picture is in my head, has always been, like an old photograph or a Modigliani painting I once saw in a museum.

When I'm sad and I smoke I'm Mrs Dalloway and I'm Nicole Kidman and I sit in my balcony smoking and being sad like I was both of them and I'm worried about the flowers like they would be.

When I go into the woods and put my bare feet in the freezing water, I am a poem and at night I can feel flowers blooming from my feet.

Gerês

Quando me levantei

já as minhas sandálias andavam

a passear lá fora na relva.

Esta noite

até os atacadores dos sapatos

floriram.

Jorge Sena Braga

I drink tea often because there is a picture in my mind of me drinking tea, not because I'm thristy. I paint my bedroom walls because somedays I wake up and I'm the girl in this picture and when I sit by the window, dressed with a black dress, reading a book, I'm almost certain that, without noticing, my hair turned brown.

Almost everyday I am a different person. Most of my characters are soft and sad beautiful women. Sometimes I'm a boy and I get restless like boys do in my mind. When I'm boy it's a good day - boys are never sad. In those days I build things and I wear shorts and snickers and I eat junk food and leave crumbles everywhere and drink beer and I'm happy and I flirt around. Never on Sundays thou.




On Sundays I'm always this girl, faceless and quiet. and I leave myself to be, full of sweetness, looking at the roses, so distant that I don't even notice myself.