#27 being an auntie and having cats it's not an unhappy end after all

for a couple of months I needed my friends more than I needed a bath, or water, or air. I needed them at strange hours, I needed their attention, their care, their laps, their hugs.

You don't need a million friends. You need maybe 5 and I am the luckiest friend in the world.  They were there for me ALL the time. they heard things they didn't want, cleaned my tears, let me sleep on their couch, took me out even when I didn't want, made special plans for me, got insulted and didn't reply back. They were patient. They were calm and gave the best advices and the most sweet silences.

I've always needed my friends, to be honest. I love all my friends because they grew into me for so long that they are a part of me. I was the first one of the group to have a house of my own and it was the place for the everyday party, the dinners, the game nights, everything. The house was always full of friends, open doors.

On Fridays I used to call my best friend or just show up in her house for dinner. Today it's Friday so she called me and her baby girl (2 years old) said "Come over! Come aunt Helena! Come!" and it was the most beautiful thing in the world. I'm not going, I'm meeting a guy for wine and dinner and, to be honest, I think I'd prefer to be with that family and not the single girl going on a date but just be aunt Helena and the one that always brings wine for dinner.

Sometimes being an auntie is all one could ask for!

#26 good thing my knee is better and i can run again

the best thing about having a good imagination is that you can always add flowers and crazy and hapiness and amazing creatures to your life, even when it's dark
the downside is that reality always catches you, from time to time!

#25 you should flirt, he says

and he knows, cos he's a good psychiatrist.

i have to be honest that it sounded strange to hear that in this particular context. on a consult, by the doctor i didn't even wanted to go (i thought i could deal with it on my own, like i always do about everything). actually, it was pretty much - either you start flirting or i might need to prescribe you some medication - and god knows how i hate medications and the idea that i need drugs to clean this situation from my mind - i'm not that weak - i am quite strong - he's the weak and he's going around partying like nothing happened - i'm sure i can also do it - and yet i was still crying and hurting because he's dating a stupid girl and he used to love me a lot and other bullshit that actually don't matter anymore.

are you flirting, he asked? and i, tears in my eyes and heavy heart, no i'm not. you should, you know?, you should. naif flirts, 1 month boyfriends, nothing serious cos it's not time for starting serious relationships, you'll have time for that, silly flirting and kissing and dancing, he said and my heart heavy listening and still thinking i can't do that.

and then, after calling all the good friends, mom, sister, crying like a little girl 5 months after he left i just thought - what a waste of time, just like all my girls have been telling me since he left running like a 16 year old kid. what a waste of time!!!

you're so right, dear doctor, as always. flirting!!! flirting around with boys with brains, spreading my charm around, dancing in a mini-skirt and knowing one is looking from the distance, promising wine dates, book exchanges - oh must really read this, i'll lend it to you, i'll read it to you - or having a geographer insisting on taking me home by car after dinner when we are 2 streets aways from my house and seeing him taking 25 minutes, passing all the easy ways home - he knows the city, all the streets and paths - to drop me off.

you're good doctor. thank you.

#24 when life is good

yes, i complain about life, but the truth is that my life is amazing! when i stop for 5 minutes and i see where i am, what i've done, my family and the friends i got... the small business i created... if i died right now, i'd be terribly proud of what i left behind and i'm not sure that this happens to most people. i see frequently on social media the question "do you think your 8 year old you would be proud of you?" and think - hell yeah! exactly like my niece and my nephew look at me and say my aunt awesome!
i complain about life just because someone stabbed me in the back and it still hurts a little bit, but everyday less. exactly because i have always designed my own life, i made plans and follow them, changing them whenever they didn't fit me, because i've always payed attention to details and lived all my life by my own principles, this life is no stranger to me, it's really what wanted it to be.
today i started the day complaining. yeah, no boyfriend, no good plans for tonight, i'm not going to take a friend or a stranger to the realm of the senses so i'll go home alone and eat some cereals for dinner. self pity is such an easy thing to do... and so stupid at the same time...
5 minutes after I posted about it, a small sound came from the common room and i went to check it... and there was one of my guests, from Japan, playing psaltery, a middle east ancient harpa just for fun and just like that, my life was beautiful again.

 and then at the end of the day, and there used to be something special about this day, I was tired and I didn't want to go home, cos sometimes even the most amazing home, with flowers by the bed, isn't where your heart is, and you need some love other than the cat, I got a call from a friend for a glass of wine and only got home by 2 am, happy, to a home that then felt like home, to the love of the cat that everyday tells me I love you just because you exist and I'm happy you're home without asking for anything more than an arm he can lay his head and a hand where he can rubb his nose.

I have amazing friends in my life, I have a beautiful home, I have strangers playing strange old instruments for me, I have flowers and I have love on every corner, I have the sweetest cat in the world. Do I want someone to love me and that I can love back waiting for me at home? Of course I do! Do I want sex and cuddles and someone's shoulder I can lay my head when I'm tired? Obviously! But I don't need it like a drug. I'm tired but I can wait.

#23 no sense for this Monday

it's 10 am Monday morning and Sunday is gone so i just allow myself to plan a good day but then, because it's Monday and Monday is cinema at the theatre night, i go and check what's today movie. Seriously? In the Realm of the Senses? Perfect! that's exactly what i wanted... a torrid sexy movie i can ask nobody to go with unless i accept the fact that it's going to be very likely that we end up in bed afterwards...

#22 all gone to look for America

Laughing on the bus
Playing games with the faces
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy
I said "Be careful his bowtie is really a camera"

"Toss me a cigarette, I think there's one in my raincoat"
"We smoked the last one an hour ago"
So I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field

"Kathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping
I'm empty and aching and I don't know why

#21 summer rain

just today I'd forgive you. maybe because it's rainning and the rain has the ability to clean the skies and maybe your soul would come soaking wet and all your dirt would be on your shoes and i wouldn't look down. just today I'd maybe give you the hug and let your stupid head lay on my lap for a little bit, I'd let you cry your fears again and pretend that there is still salvation for your body. maybe I'd let you fuck me slowly knowing that I could have a better fuck, and still be there with all my heart, maybe today i could leave my brain outside the house, sitting waiting on the first floor, waiting for you to leave again so it could come up to resume with my life tomorrow.