Yep, somedays are just like this. You wake up in a couch, snickers on, not your house, no toothbrush, no time to go home and shower. The mirror tells you you´re not bad, you do it later, you can go to work. The couple of tears you shed yesterday didn´t break your face. One liter of coffee will keep up through the day. Your heart can accept that life is strange. Healing will always be a continuous process, no one is ever cured, the pains exist and they are a part of us, like a leg or a nose. You can ignore them or look at them with deep atention. They are not going anywhere. They don´t have to go anywhere. They don´t even have anywhere to go to. That´s where they live. Your heart accepts it, knows that these things don´t happen to you. They just happen, nothing against you, no favour, But at the same time, it also knows that it´s sunny outside, the cigarettes, although expensive, are still affordable, there is yogurt in the fridge and funk music exists.

Young, Gifted and Blacks by Brothers Gonna Work It Out on Mixcloud

- Would you still love me if I couldn't pay for dinner
- Maybe

#60 oh on my own private world

The plan it wasn't much of a plan, still it was the best that I could find. I told you, it's not easy to make good plans on your own. Do you feel the same? I tried to make it as simple as possible, white on cardboard, a letter, a stamp, a work address, no signing, whatever will be will be. Minimalist.It was not easy. Blaize Pascal said "i wrote you this letter so long because I didn't have the time to make it shorter" and I had the time still I'd prefered to have written you a very long letter like I hope we can have very long conversations.

I know you don't exist. I know that people don't exist as I see them. You, my love, are made of pieces of Murakami, Ozu's movies and the shadows of the trees in a July afternoon by the river. You don't exist like this except in my mind, I know. It's not easy to live with my brain, you know? It builds parallel worlds all the time, plants small flowers, adds some smells and some particular light to make this terrible world more bareble. It has the soundtrack of my spotify, the poems I read when I was younger, it has landscaps of huge natural parks with waterfalls even when I'm on the crowded bus, there are dragonflies everywhere. You have the softest hands of the world and they want to hold mine, in my world. I read too many crazy books, saw too many cinema masterpieces, read phillosophers, plunged my harms into theories of beauty and reality it's a distance world that I sometimes see on my weak days and, to be honest, doesn't really attract me.

I know you don't exist. If you existed, you'd write me back, maybe text me - definitely. Or just hey there. But you don't exist and sometimes I wish the letter never finds you but on the other hand just knowing that there is some sweet love travelling around Europe makes me smile. I told you this before, didn't I, we are always selfish, we only do things for ourselves, and sending some love inside an envelope is something that I did for myself - nothing to loose, I can do it, I can kiss whoever I want, even if it's from the distance. If this was a book we'd meet and maybe it would be strange - are we having our ackward moment now, I'd ask you. Shall we order some wine? you'd smile and say no need for wine, it was never the wine.

oh the fucking expectations... maybe I should stop living daily life and spend my days inside my head. all the flowers the artic monckeys singing on the background, me sitting in my living room, eyes closed, cat on the lap, travelling only on the back of my mind, you could join me and if it didin't work out with you I'd just ordered another sweet boy. I could be happy with that.

#59 Japan

I pour myself another glass of whiskey. It's not my drink, wine is my nature, red wine, but nature has been strange to me this past year.
It's a 12 year old Chivas but it should be a Santory - I can see Bill Murray raising the glass in front of me now...
Just one hour ago I arrived home. It's Monday night which is cinema night and tonight was Ozu's night again, Japan night again, yellow tea kettler, pale green doors and I will always remember you - japonese movies from the 50's were really good and I said I never seen it and now I have - shall I tell you?
Tomorrow I'm going to wake up late for the first time in a long long time and I'm going to buy the lottery. Because of you. Because of you and mostly because I don't have have enough money to offer myself a vacation in Japan and this 2014 is telling me everyday go there - you, Ozu, my tattoo and the cherry blossoms and Air and, most of all Murakami - Japan!. Finished just 'South of the border, west of the sun' - the rain one - just now, after the movie. And I feel Japan calls me and I look to the right and I'm the cherry blossom girl and today I found your phone number hanging loose on the internet and I was just looking for an email and I wish, seriously, I had never seen it. It takes a very strong girl like me to resist it.
Tomorrow I'll send you a letter. I hope I can make it simple and clean. Just a sober invitation for a cup of coffee and an ice-cream (maybe).

#58 single woman's dinner

Starter - toasted bread with cheese and zuchini and wallnuts jam
Second - turnips greens soup (grandmother recipe)
Red wine
Desert - a glass of whisky and hazelnuts chocolate

(this is just a reminder, because most of the nights it's just apple with cereals and yogurt)

#57 girls will be girls...

"I started questioning gender based assumptions a long time ago.
When I was 8 I was confused at being called bossy because I wanted to direct plays that we would put on for our parents. But the boys were not.
When at 14 I started to be sexualised by certain elements of the media.
When at 15 my girlfriends started dropping out of their beloved sports teams because they didn’t want to appear muscly.
When at 18 my male friends were unable to express their feelings.
I decided that I was a Feminist."

 

I was called bossy all my life. I was called tom-boy. I was told that girls don't run around and should be more quiet. I was told that girls wear skirts and don't kick boys in the legs when the try to grab them. I was told that being a woman is all about being discrete, beauty, make-up, soft-power. Soft, sweet, pale, dresses, flowers, Jane Austen.
I was called "bossy" all my life but no-one ever told me that if I was a boy, "bossy" would be substituted by "leadership skills".
A strong woman is not yet an alpha-female.

#56 we are all lazy and guilty

My mom told me the other day - the only reason I do things is out of shame of not wanting to do anything.
I couldn't even believe it. Always thought she was a decided active person, she was always the one that pushed me to take over the world and now she tells me this. I remember when she dropped me off at the airport for my 3 months internship in US. After months of convicing me - you must, you have to, this is a great opportunity and I - I don't want to go, I don't want to go alone, Tennessee is in the middle of nowhere, I have my family here, my boyfriend here, after I made the decision yes, I'm strong, 3 months is nothing, I'll learn a lot, it's going to be fun, an adventure - she dropps me off at the airport and whispers at my hear - you are so brave, I couldn't do it!
We are all weak, I guess. And it's the pressure of the peers that make us be bigger. It's the image that we have of ourselves inside our head and the image that we project to the others that makes us be better. I'm a lazy lazy person. My house is a mess, my head is a mess, I never make my bed before I leave the house, I postpone things until it's impossible to keep it - projects, ideas, plans, meals even. You wouldn't see it when looking at me. Oh she's so strong, she's so brave (like my mom said), she knows what she wants and goes and get it - what you don't see is the nights I just sit on the couch, looking at the wall and watching all the dropps of yellow on the blue, thinking when will I fix that - that takes only 5 minutes and has been like that for 8 months now.

Persona (1966)