terça-feira, 23 de setembro de 2014

#56 we are all lazy and guilty

My mom told me the other day - the only reason I do things is out of shame of not wanting to do anything.
I couldn't even believe it. Always thought she was a decided active person, she was always the one that pushed me to take over the world and now she tells me this. I remember when she dropped me off at the airport for my 3 months internship in US. After months of convicing me - you must, you have to, this is a great opportunity and I - I don't want to go, I don't want to go alone, Tennessee is in the middle of nowhere, I have my family here, my boyfriend here, after I made the decision yes, I'm strong, 3 months is nothing, I'll learn a lot, it's going to be fun, an adventure - she dropps me off at the airport and whispers at my hear - you are so brave, I couldn't do it!
We are all weak, I guess. And it's the pressure of the peers that make us be bigger. It's the image that we have of ourselves inside our head and the image that we project to the others that makes us be better. I'm a lazy lazy person. My house is a mess, my head is a mess, I never make my bed before I leave the house, I postpone things until it's impossible to keep it - projects, ideas, plans, meals even. You wouldn't see it when looking at me. Oh she's so strong, she's so brave (like my mom said), she knows what she wants and goes and get it - what you don't see is the nights I just sit on the couch, looking at the wall and watching all the dropps of yellow on the blue, thinking when will I fix that - that takes only 5 minutes and has been like that for 8 months now.

Persona (1966)

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