#52 don't expect me to be bright and bon vivant

Sometimes the dead rise up from death and they just show up to hunt me. And I promised I would never look back, back is no direction, crying and trying to find some fairness, some justice, some sense to something I've already accepted  that had none, it's just a total waste of time. Still, having the ghost around, on the mouth of friends, stealing from me those 3 days of happiness, the ticket I bought a month ago and I carry religiously in my wallet as a promise of some well deserved fun after all this - nothing really compared to what I've already been stolen this year - re-hearing stories that don't matter anymore, having to make my heart into stone again, pretending that I'm happier now - I'm not but I'm all right, I'm all right, just weary to my bones, still don't expect me to bright and bon vivant, I'm all right, really am, happy even (not happier though), but only as long as the ghost doesn't find me.
So, dear friends, leave the dead among the dead, at least when I'm around


Many's the time I've been mistaken,
And many times confused
And I've often felt forsaken,
And certainly misused.
But I'm all right, I'm all right,
I'm just weary to my bones
Still, you don't expect to be
Bright and Bon Vivant
So far away from home,
So far away from home.

I don't know a soul who's not been battered
Don't have a friend who feels at ease
Don't know a dream that's not been shattered
Or driven to it's knees.
But it's all right, all right.

#51 things I prefered not to know cos it's none of my business

you feel good and you think that you're cured, the disease is gone, no remains of the pain, no leftovers from the past on the living room anymore, no memories popping up every now and then.

you even doubt if you were really sick, you don't remember crying anymore, you don't remember the pain and the old songs don't take you to sad places anymore.

you think I'm so proud of myself, I've moved so fast, I grew so strong, I'm in such a nice place now. But there are somethings that will always take you down, break you again a little bit, bring the past back to your days. Like when you invite a friend for dinner and she declines because she's going to have dinner with your past life. It's not the end of the world, it's normal, but it's sad.

#50 oh they used to love each other a lot

Come and pick me up after work, I say, we'll go for a drink. I pretend I'm the one that needs a drink and it's him that drinks till he falls everyday for the last 2 months. Come and pick me up, we'll go for a a swim and then for dinner and green wine, I need it.
He doesn't open up to anybody. Do people open up? I'm starting to think that nobody opens up. Nobody talks about problems and pains and egos and the nights without sleeping just crying. It's tabu. As if life was all about flowers and parties and that time I made that great trip. 20%? Maybe 10% of life, is what we talk about. I even know people that go and lie to their therapists not to admit that life has ups and downs.
She left me him, one day to the other. She left him and took his kids to another country 3000km away. I can't even imagine anything worst than that. They bought a huge house last year. They used to love each other. They were not happy all the time, I know, I was around enough to see their fights, their i pick up on you because you pick up on me, you always do this and you're always like that. I know he can be impossible and that she can go crazy, I've seen enough of them to know that, but I always truely believed that if there was love, all of the rest was minor. I learned with my life that that is not true. It is getting harder and harder for me to define love. I thought I knew it, I thought it was the shape of a warm meal on a misty cold summer day and a open botttle of wine or the shape of the eyes that watch you when you sleep. I thought it was that butterfly feeling that told you I want to be here tomorrow and tomorrow and now I don't even know if love exists or if it's just a draft that passes throught our mouths once in a while and disapears as soon as we put the words out there. I used to love a lot, I thought. They used to love each other a lot, I thought. Now they'll have to split the kids as best as they can, sell the house, restart from nothing or from little. Now he'll need me to share bottles of green wine and say silly things and serious things, just like I needed him a couple of months ago and this is what kills me - we all need each other, so why don't we take better care?

She knew he was impossible when they met and that was she liked about him.
He felt in love with her crazyness from day one.
Why don't they just accept it now?

I'll be there for both of you, my dear friends, because love fades away, but friendships are stronger.

#49 the masterplan

I got a plan.
Some may think that the world goes round because it's just used to it, but that's not true. There is always someone with a master plan behind it.
Most people just live their everyday life, but not me. I always have a plan. Call me Machiavel if you want, but I truely think that living without a master plan is just surviving. Or reacting. And I want my life to bigger than that.
So today I finally bought my ticket flight for my vacations and it's not just a ryanair boarding pass, it's a game. Life is a game and I really enjoy conspiring against destiny.
So the ticket is bought and the strategy is designed and doesn't really matter if all the plans fail, doesn't matter if the boy doesn't reply to the challenge, this boy will be there waiting for me.

Boy by Ron Mueck

#48 People always look better in the sun, she says

My dearest,

It's middle of August and it rainned all day. I wore my orange raincoat like I did in July. Eiry. Always this word in my mind. All summer is Eiry. And everyday I'm trying to forget you and I look out of the window and it's misty and it's foggy and it's Eiry and I come home from the gym wearing my orange raincoat, in August, like I wore in July, like you wore in July, and I'm looking for you in every guy in a grey wet shirt and everybody wears umbrellas, nobody faces the rain. I just wish it was sunny, I think I wouldn't think of you as often if it was sunny and Soko says that everybody looks better in the sun and I guess it's true and you just might be the exception.

I've just checked the weather report for that place you now call home and it's sunny and I think that you looked better here, with me, in my balcony, with a glass of wine, looking out and saying it's Eiry and feeling at home.

#47 Intimacy

I'm not a photographer.

Just this year I started taking pictures of something else than vacations or small funny moments. Just this year I got a good camera and even that was an accident. I didn't get it for myself, but for the boy that left me 20 days after the camera arrived my house. A camera that was too good for me, he was the one that used to take pictures and because of that I don't have any picture of myself from the past 12 years. Just this year, this year that changed my whole life, because I had a camera too good for my skills and because I didn't want to  see it a waste of money, I took a basic photography course. Not only for the camera not to be a waste of money, but mainly because I needed to keep myself busy, I needed to have anything but cigarettes on my hand, I needed to have an excuse not to cry and leave the house after work on occasional Thursdays. It's a cliché, but everybody said it - you need to focus on something else, go take a course, learn another language, start a new project and I said ok, not happy about it, but forced myself to it.

I've always loved photography, but always considered myself a terrible photographer, all blured and no light or focus sense but now I think I had never found my subject.

I'm not a photographer. But I do take pictures. And my favourite subject, at the moment, is intimacy. Maybe because I don't have it, maybe because I'm single and I miss the feeling of being part of something. And I am lying now. I do have intimacy, otherwise I couldn't take pictures of it. I have friends and family that are so intimate with me that don't even notice when I pull my camera to capture them, no posing, no smiling, no changing what they're doing - it's almost like I'm invisble and sometimes, being invisible is just awesome.

If I was a photographer, which I'm not, my goal would be this invisibleness, going inside the houses, the beds, the gardens, and capture life and love as if I wasn't even there.

#46 Supermarkets at lunch on a Sunday are for lonely people

I entered the supermarket on a Sunday for the first time in 5 years. I never shop on Sundays. Sundays are for family and for cooking and for parks and for sleeping all morning and having sex in the couch while a romantic comedy continues on tv. It was 1pm. I couldn't see anyone except for the cashier, bored looking at her nails - they definitely needed some attention. I grabbed her microphone and I said, peacefully, Is there anyone here that wants to keep me company? maybe share a bottle of wine? maybe some sex? The cashier continued to look at her nails.
An old lady come off the yougurt hall and yelled, sadly, my darling, my doctor told me I shouldn't drink wine anymore.
A sexy young girl, mini-skirt and doc martins, grabbed her kind of ugly boyfriend, looked at me from the bread section and said we don't do girls!
An old men said I'll go with you. He bought a bottle of cheap wine and we sat in a bench and we held hands (I've always loved the soft skin of elderly people, so much loose skin, so many wrinkles and small scars and tinny dots, constelations) and he said his wife died last year and I told him that I've been feeling lonely and as we finished the whole bottle his bus showed up and he stood up and said we couldn't have sex because he's out of Viagra and I said it's ok.